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Home » Arthritis » Dating with Arthritis » Is it fair to our loved ones?
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Is it fair to our loved ones? Expand / Collapse
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katherineN
Posted Wednesday, June 30, 2004 12:53 PM


 

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I am dating the most wonderful guy in the world. He and I have talked about getting married soon but I just don't know if I can sadle him with my disease and the ramifications of it. He doesn't care and says he would carry me on his shoulders if he had to but I just don't know. I can't imagine spending my life without him though. Does anyone else feel this way?
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Suzzee
Posted Wednesday, June 30, 2004 6:22 PM


 

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Test
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Suzzee
Posted Wednesday, June 30, 2004 6:33 PM


 

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Hi, Put yourself ahead about 30 plus years. I know when we are young, life is supposed to be good, and go smoothly. I have been married to the same man for 38 years and he does not love me any less because I have RA, nor I him, with his various imperfections. Also, I have a new friend who had polio as a small child and is on crutches and a leg brace, gave birth to three children and has had a very sucessful marriage of 30 plus years. Life is not fair and people change and get ill. What would you do if it was the other way around?
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Suzzee
Posted Wednesday, June 30, 2004 6:35 PM


 

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Hi, Put yourself ahead about 30 plus years. I know when we are young, life is supposed to be good, and go smoothly. I have been married to the same man for 38 years and he does not love me any less because I have RA, nor I him, with his various imperfections. Also, I have a new friend who had polio as a small child and is on crutches and a leg brace, gave birth to three children and has had a very sucessful marriage of 30 plus years. Life is not fair and people change and get ill. What would you do if it was the other way around?
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katherineN
Posted Thursday, July 01, 2004 10:49 AM


 

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You are right. I just worry. But I agree with you. I really don't think he cares about my having RA though so I should just get over the guilt and move forward........
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Nikki
Posted Monday, July 05, 2004 2:32 AM


 

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Someone once told me that we are all broken in some way, its just that for some of us, you can see where we are broken. I guess what I'm saying is that nobody is perfect or easy to live with. I have been happily married for 11 years. I've had RA since I was 1 years old. My husband is truly my soul mate and I know that in life, I help him as much as he helps me - its just in different ways thats all. Take Care! Nicole
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PandoraSpocks
Posted Friday, July 16, 2004 9:47 PM


 

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Is it fair to us that we have this added burden?
Dating is hard enough without the ridiculous onus of feeling like your RA or anything else about you is "unfair" to someone else. If the people you meet have issues with your condition, send them on their merry ways. In the end, these are not the type of folks you can rely on. Chronic illness is nothing to apologize for. Anyone old enough to date, and especially someone contemplating marriage, should be grown up enough not to be superficial.
Yes, dating IS HARD, RA or not. As an almost-35-year-old who has been diagnosed for nearly a decade, I know this to be painfully and unfortunately true. I also know that having RA does not make me of lesser value. It does not mean that I have to settle for whatever I can get.
Neither do you! If you have had the fortune to find someone who loves you, understands the situation and whom you love back, what's the big fear? In the end, it is all a gamble. Have you tried any of the newest drugs? Newest treatments? If any of us can take a leap for science, then why not for romance?
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BTDeb
Posted Thursday, July 22, 2004 8:21 PM


 

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My goodness, hold on to this guy. He clearly has the advantage of knowing in advance. I was married to my husband for 3 years when I was diagnosed 4 years ago. As long as I do everything in my power to fight my condition, keep a good atitude,take my medicine, and see my doctor, my husband praises my spunk and fights the battle with me.
Let your guy make his own decision and if he's ok with your condition, then he truly loves you.
Good luck to you!

 

 

 

Deb - RA Diagnosis 11/99.  Medication - Humira

 

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Tara
Posted Sunday, July 25, 2004 10:25 AM


 

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I understand I will be 31 this year. I was diagnosed with OA in Feb 2004 after having surgery on both knees in 2003 and spending a year in a half on crutches. I am now using a cane. I am afraid to date. I was suppose to be in a relationship last year and after my 2nd surgery I had a mild physical and mental break down from the trauma to my body. I know I pushed him away like everyone else around me. My mother tried to explain to him give me time to heal then after some months of trying to get my life back I called him and He played a game of trying to get back at me since he felt like I hurt him on purpose...Its like he blames me and feels I had controll over what happen...I already had trust issues but now they are worse because of him and especially since I have a partial disability...Though I may not always use the cane I will always have it...So everyone knows something is wrong...I feel like I will be alone...Then to top it off someone said to me b4 I knew about the OA that they hoped this wouldn't be permanant because no one wants a cripple...There are some days I believe that person is right...So I don't know what to think or do any more...I have always been to myself but managed to meet people now I'm always by myself except for being around my mother and siblings...
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ACSykora
Posted Wednesday, July 28, 2004 11:31 PM


 

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To Katherine S and any one else-

As I read your reply, I feel like I am readingmy own. I am in the same situation. I have been with my boy friend for over a year and we talk about getting married a lot. But like you, I wonder if he truly understands what he is getting into. I do not think he does, but as he always tells me, it is his choice too.

On a simular note, what do you all think about living together. Beside the typical moral responses...I always said I woudl not till I was married. But becuase of this fear that he does not know what he is getting into...I wonder if it would be a good idea. A way for him to see what it would be like, and for me as well. I know the topic has lots of moral complications, but it is something that I have been thinking about. Just curious as to what you, that are married, or are living together think...was it or would it be helpful???

Abby
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Nikki
Posted Friday, July 30, 2004 12:59 AM


 

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A few thoughts as I read the posts. First of all Tara, that is so awful that someone said that to you. Arthritis doesn't make you less of a person and we all have things to offer a relationship, possibly even more because this disease can make you so strong and appreciative of the little things in life. I truly believe there is someone for everybody and maybe you haven't found your someone yet. Anyone who would play such games is not very mature.

Abby- I don't think its a bad idea for anyone to live together. Or at least have a very long engagement/dating period. My husband and I dated for 4 years, were engaged for 3 and then got married. Partly because of RA, also because of other life circumstances, but I absolutely KNEW when I walked down the aisle that it was right.

I think true love is unconditional. No matter what happens when its true love you are there for each other. If something happened to my husband tomorrow, I would never mind taking care of him. I love him and I have made a committment to share every moment of my life with him. I think that when you find that person that you feel that way about, the arthritis stuff starts to seem secondary.

For those who are newly diagnosed, in time you get a pretty tough skin about comments like being a "cripple" and you start to realize your priorities and find those people who are genuine friends.

Check out this website: butyoudontlooksick.com There is a great story in there called "The Spoon Theory" that helps to explain it to loved ones. The woman who wrote it has lupus, but it rings true for arthritis as well. I wish you all the best, NEVER settle because you have this disease, we all have as much to offer as anyone else and someone wonderful will realize that.
Nicole
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mere1
Posted Friday, July 30, 2004 1:04 PM


 

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This theme is something I have been dealing with a lot lately. My husband and I have been married 3 years now. I told him about my RA on our first date, I knew it was part of my life and didn't want to waste my time on someone who couldn't deal with it. We got married quickly and although he knew about the disease I'm not sure he knew how bad it could get. I just had a hip replacement three weeks ago. The year before this surgery was very difficult for me. I felt very guilty for putting my husband through this. Deep down I know that he would not be with me if he did not want to. We love each other and like others have said, life is not certain. Many other things could happen to either of you. When you are married you deal with things together. As to living together- that is up to the individual. But I have learned that marriage is hard and if I just "tried it out", maybe I would never have gotten married. I also agree with the post that said that as much as we may depend on our loved ones, we give back in other ways. People that I have talked to with RA understand what it is like to suffer. They are so understanding and considerate of others feelings. Often their basic needs of comfort are not met and so they will do anything in their power to keep pains from the ones they love. I think this disease and any other chronic illness gives a person a capacity for compassion that they would not have if they were healthy. I know it isn't easy, but try to look at the gifts that you can give another person, not what you worry that you might take away.
Meredith
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Roseman
Posted Wednesday, August 11, 2004 9:03 PM


 

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Is it fair? If he truly knows what RA is and how it can effect you over time, yes. It is his choice.

Being male with RA, which has gotten nothing but worse with everything I try, I have stopped looking to date or otherwise. Not only does the idea of trying to explain that I need both hips, knees and possibly elbows replaced due to a chronic ilness scare me, I do not want to put anyone through the possibility that they may have to care for me that much. Also, the idea of being intimate in almost anyway, causes me pain even thinking about it.

One view that has gotten me in lots of trouble with friends is this: Who do you know would date someone who can barely walk across the house without major pain. I am damaged goods, no matter what I have to offer. We are not talking about falling for a woman/man in a wheelchair that may need a push now and then. We are talking about an affliction that can make even the simpliest of tasks in a relationship difficult and painful. Even something as simple as cuddling on a couch is extreemly painfull for me. I can not embrace a potential spouse or soul mate in a hug without pain. I guess it would be different for men, since men are expected to be the strong ones. Another aspect is the finacial end. RA costs alot of money to care for at the level mine is at. I am lucky to still work and have insuruance, but it is still exspensive. I would never want to put a potential spouse into that type of burden myself.

Again, I choose to not even search out such relationships, no matter how lonely I may feel. It is far better then finding someone I really care for and then having go through my hell with me.

Daniel
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BrianJordan
Posted Thursday, August 12, 2004 3:10 PM


 

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I am a 43 year old male and have been dealing with a severely damaged body since the age of 5. I am by no means a coward in anyway shape or form. I approach life head on and deal with the consequences as or if they happen. Surgery is just another day at the office for me and pain is my constant companion, but I know I am not unique or queer.

But the ONE thing that frightens the living hell out of me is the word “relationship”. I don’t just avoid that word I nuke it on the spot. I have pushed girlfriend after girlfriend away with fervor. I am haunted by thoughts of what might have been much like Scrooge.

I will offer you this one piece of advise, that I give to everyone that is in a relationship, regardless of any physical problems one or both persons might have. You are only able to decide if you love them, you can not decide for them if they love you. You do not have the right to decide what is best for them, until you’re married (haha). But you need to be prepared for the worst if they want to call it quits.

Take advantage of us “old farts” on the “old farts” forum. There are many who seem to have very good marital relationships going. “Where there is a will there is a way”.

-Roseman- When you hurt too bad to cuddle, maybe you could consider getting your girlfriend/wife a puppy? I know this may sound stupid but you will not always be in pain and when you are not, having her around to cuddle with might be fun? And if done correctly and in moderation, good therapy too =D
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Karen
Posted Wednesday, September 22, 2004 12:51 AM


 

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Katherine,

I could have written the same thing a year ago. I had found the most wonderful, loving, darling man in the world and just didn't want to "do" that to him. But that's not my choice, it's his. I know I make him happy and that's why he loves me and it's got nothing to do with my knees. It's going to require a lot of strength on my part to deal with this the best I can, and I feel all the stronger because I've got a great reason.

It sounds like your guy loves you and knows how valuable you are to him. Be strong for his sake, and that means battling those guilty feelings. You've got nothing to feel guilty about.
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Michelle
Posted Tuesday, November 02, 2004 5:06 PM


 

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Growing up in a wheelchair because of RA isn't easy. I've had this disease since I was 2 and now I'm 26. Everyone always stared at me like I was nothing or contagious. 3rd grade, everyone wanted to push me and be my friend. By the 6th/7th grade, I had 1 friend. And now I see she really wasn't. She got off on making fun of how I look when I stand or walk. I was forgotten a lot as well. Anyways, I never had a boyfriend until I was 21. I started finding people online. When we'd meet in person, they never would call me back to meet again. Some didn't mind the whole illness situation, but I got so sick, I pushed them away. I didn't think it was fair for anyone to be with me. My doctors have told me that this disease is going to kill me. Why put a loved one through that. I went through 11/12 surgeries by myself. Only my parents by my side. Thank god! Someone finally found me online. He didn't mind me having RA. When we met, the wheelchair didn't bother him. Although I can walk a little. We are getting married on April 9th, 2005. My goal is to "walk" down the aisle to him. I just have to! I still feel a little bad for letting him in my life. He's been in the hospital with me since we've been together. He stayed every single night. I love this man dearly. We live together, but it's because of my disease. We lived 45 mins apart. It was just easier for him to move in with me because I need help around the clock. I don't know what I'd do without him. He's all the time trying to learn more and more about RA and fibromyalgia. I am very lucky! And there is someone out there for everyone!!
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Korina
Posted Thursday, November 04, 2004 3:40 PM


 

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hi michelle,
my name is Korina and i'm also 26 years old. i just wanted to thank you for sharing your story. it is very inspiring. i was diagnosed with JRA when i was 9 yrs. old so i can relate to some of the things you've gone through. i'm not in a wheelchair but i have a limp and it is difficult for me to get around. i have never had a serious relationship. i've only had good freindships with guys. maybe it's that i have built up a wall and haven't allowed anyone in afraid of being hurt or turned down. thank you for sharing...if u would like to talk more just let me know.
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Michelle
Posted Thursday, November 04, 2004 8:31 PM


 

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Hey Korina!
Thanks so much for replying to me. I would love to talk more. I understand competely your situation. When I do walk, I call myself a weeble wobble. lol. My hips don't straighten up all the way so it's kinda hard to walk. But I do it. Anyways, there are some great guys out there! If I have one, so can you! I put a wall up as well. I kinda still have it up. I'm just so affraid I'm going to lose him because of my disease. He says he's not going anywhere tho. Well, hope to hear from you soon!!

-Michelle
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Tatum
Posted Saturday, November 06, 2004 8:56 PM


 

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I am apologizing ahead of time for being direct. Some people like it and some don't.

Of course it is okay!

We deserve to be loved and as long as we are honest and our significant others are willing, why deny ourselves happiness!?!?

Okay...maybe it is the thought of being dependant on someone else. Well, I choose to live life right now rather than worry about the future. I am optimistic that I am going to be okay and that I will continue to be strong just like You!!

Keep strong and you deserve every bit of happiness! Enjoy the moment!

:-)

~K
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Michelle
Posted Monday, November 08, 2004 12:41 AM


 

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I totally agree with you ~K. I live my life day by day and to the fullest. My loved one is in my life for good no matter what. He knew what he was getting himself in to. I told him everything up front. Which I think is a good thing for me. That way I'm not fooling myself with someone who is going to hit the road in the future. I got a great guy. He thinks he has a great girl and that he's very lucky.

I definately agree with him
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