Arthritis Foundation Forum
Home   
Search
Welcome Guest ( Login | Register )
  
Recent Posts
   
Popular Topics

Home » Arthritis » Dating with Arthritis » RA and single
46 posts, Page 1 of 3
123»»»

RA and single Expand / Collapse
Rate Topic
Display Mode
Topic Options
Author
Message
Lawrence
Posted Saturday, August 14, 2004 5:29 AM


 

Group: Forum Members
Last Login: Thursday, July 31, 2008 12:41 PM
Posts: 4, Visits: 0
Hello my name is Lawrence I am 38 years old ,divorced w/ 3 children whom do not live w/me. I have been diagnosed w/RA for 24 yrs and counting. I have been blessed with three wonderful children and ton of wonderful moments and memories. That is the good part , now I find myself alone with only the pain, deformation and nodgules to reflect upon. How does one with RA in todays society return to the dating scene? Can a woman find a man with what once were strong hands ,but now are crippled and disfigured attractive? Or am I left to waste in the RA landfill. I am still capable of loveing compassionately and fervantly. So why does it seem to be such a daunting and impossible task to date with arthitis? This my fello RA suffers is by far the hardest part of my living with this cruel disease. I can laugh at pain that would crush a heathly man, or deal with the flood of emotions that come with the thought that my condition will only get worse and is ireversable. But to have to return to the dating scene scares the hell out of me. I just dont know where I will find the courage or the confidence it will take to date *"?%#%. Is there still a possibility that there is someone out there with whom I can love and spend the rest of my RA days with?
Post #4090315
Top
Trudy
Posted Saturday, August 14, 2004 4:33 PM


 

Group: Forum Members
Last Login: Thursday, July 31, 2008 12:41 PM
Posts: 7, Visits: 0
Hello Lawrence. I have OA and find myself with the same sentiments. I've been divorced for years, no kids, and would also like to be more active in the dating scene. I'm not sure where to start, and have a pending surgery to get thru before I delve in. Personally, I plan on looking into whether the arthitis foundation has a support group I can attend, and start meeting other people who are in similar situations. I don't believe people should be defined by their physical attributes, be they positive or negative. It really is whats inside a person that makes them attractive. Living with arthritis means we're in situations that have to be accomodated to at times, but isn't that true of most anything in life? Don't give up, try to focus on what you have to offer.
Post #4136534
Top
Lawrence
Posted Thursday, August 19, 2004 1:48 AM


 

Group: Forum Members
Last Login: Thursday, July 31, 2008 12:41 PM
Posts: 4, Visits: 0
Hello Trudy thank you for your comments. You are right it is what you have to offer and what is inside that counts.
I just get so frustrated when I think about how or where I might find Love and romance again. I think I will take your advice and look to support groups for some insight on the subject. Well I hope your surgery goes well , and your love life improves.
Bye now! Lawrence.
Post #4136535
Top
Victoria
Posted Thursday, August 19, 2004 2:30 PM


 

Group: Forum Members
Last Login: Thursday, July 31, 2008 12:41 PM
Posts: 2, Visits: 0
Lawrence, I am in the same situation as well - 33 and never married. If I even think of discussing the disease I would get teary and too emotional. I acutally talked to a counselor who had some great feedback. I realized that I have friends with diabetes, and asthma and eventually we may all suffer from an ailment or accident. She told me to practice thinking and saying "Oh, yeah,,I have arthitis" and realizing that if I lead a full life people will see that it doesn't stop us. I am also hoping to meet people at RA events. There is a cooking class in Oct. in Chicago (not sure where you are) Also, by increasing activity and getting to know people as friends, they will see how we still can live life to the fullest! Great luck to you.
Post #4136536
Top
JABS
Posted Wednesday, August 25, 2004 2:53 PM


 

Group: Forum Members
Last Login: Thursday, July 31, 2008 12:42 PM
Posts: 2, Visits: 0
It is hard to meet people fpr dating when you have RA. I am 32 and I was diagnosed when I was 27. After numerous medications, I am now in remission of joint damage progression. I am grateful to Enbrel for that! I have had the experience that when you mention that you have RA to a potential significant other, they cringe and think that you are mamed or crippled. I just like to be upfront and honest about it. Even though I am in remission, there are days with the humidity that I am stiff. Where do you go to meet people?
Post #4136537
Top
PandoraSpocks
Posted Sunday, September 19, 2004 2:01 AM


 

Group: Forum Members
Last Login: Thursday, July 31, 2008 12:26 PM
Posts: 6, Visits: 0
I am one of those lucky 35 year olds with RA because, after an initial diagnosis in 1995, bouts up and down, different medications, one surgery, etc. I still consider myself in good health. Through it all, I have gone through a few highly unsuccessful relationships. When the RA was bad, and I thought I was with a good caretaker, I would find during the good times that the person felt no sense of purpose without the ability to aid me. When I have been really well, and feeling stable, I have been shocked at the inability of some suitors to cope with RA when a flare would rear its ugly head.
But then I must ask myself if this really has anything at all to do with RA, or are these just the kind of bad choices I am destined to make?
Sure, RA, or any chronic disease makes dating just that much harder, but at the end of the day, some folks are easy to deal with, and then there are those of us that are not.
So, don't give up! Try support groups. Try matchmaking friends. Try the internet. There are options out there.
Post #4136538
Top
Wendy
Posted Sunday, October 03, 2004 8:36 PM


 

Group: Forum Members
Last Login: Thursday, July 31, 2008 12:43 PM
Posts: 1, Visits: 0
This topic has been on my mind for months now, since I joined an internet dating service. I am 37 yrs old and was diagnosed with JRA when I was 2. I struggled with whether to say I had arthritis in my profile or not. I want people to get to know me from the inside out and not judge based on a physical illness, but I also don't want to mislead anyone. When I didn't have the JRA in my profile, men responded left and right. When I added it in everything just stopped. It was like I suddenly became invisible. That felt awful! It feels like our society rejects those that don't meet the standard for beautiful or perfect. I know I am an amazing soul with lots to offer that just happens to live in a body that has limitations. I wish people could see with more than their eyes.
Post #4136539
Top
Ray
Posted Saturday, October 09, 2004 7:01 PM


 

Group: Forum Members
Last Login: Thursday, July 31, 2008 12:43 PM
Posts: 1, Visits: 0
I also agree that it is hard to meet people once you tell them up front about your condition. They instantly look at you funny and then stop calling you. I am 49, single and with RA. Rejection creates stress which translates to pain. People are sometimes rude and ignorant. I have learned to lower my expectations.
Post #4136540
Top
annette
Posted Thursday, November 11, 2004 8:02 PM


 

Group: Forum Members
Last Login: Thursday, July 31, 2008 12:44 PM
Posts: 6, Visits: 0
Hello Ray, My name's Annette and I live in England. I'm 23 year's old but no just what you mean when you tell people about yourself.
I have had Arthritis since I was 15 and have had two total hip replacement's.
I would love to talk to you sometime, if your interested in having a friend that wouldn't walk away?
My e-mail address is: Aripper22@aol.com
I look forward to hearing from you and maybe getting to know you better.
Take care xxxx
Post #4136541
Top
annette
Posted Thursday, November 11, 2004 8:08 PM


 

Group: Forum Members
Last Login: Thursday, July 31, 2008 12:44 PM
Posts: 6, Visits: 0
Hiya.
I'm looking to make some friend's with the same illness as myself. My name's Annette and I'm 23 year's old. I have been ill 8 year's this december and would love to meet people like myself. Someone that really understand's how I feel.
Please anyone e-mail me Aripper22@aol.com
Post #4136542
Top
Jennifer
Posted Friday, November 12, 2004 11:21 PM


 

Group: Forum Members
Last Login: Thursday, July 31, 2008 12:43 PM
Posts: 47, Visits: 0
Annette,

I'm 25 always looking for people my age with my illness in common. I would be interested in hearing how your hip replacement went. My doc for years has wanted me to have them done. I don't really like the thought of surgery. I had surgery one time and I had no choice. It was to deliver my daughter. Email me sometime at SweetAngel2179@yahoo.com
Post #4136543
Top
Kathy
Posted Monday, November 22, 2004 11:46 AM


 

Group: Forum Members
Last Login: Thursday, July 31, 2008 12:45 PM
Posts: 1, Visits: 0
i can empathize, i just turn 40 and now
facing a questionable future as i am
thinking of getting a divorce. It's scary but i just have to do what i need to do to survive. I've had JRA
since 16years old. It's more stressful
to stay in this marriage, My RA has been reacting to the stress and to me
it's just not worth it. There is always
someone out there it just finding the right one.
Post #4136544
Top
brownsfan
Posted Thursday, December 23, 2004 2:02 AM


 

Group: Forum Members
Last Login: Thursday, July 31, 2008 12:45 PM
Posts: 1, Visits: 0
My name is Felicia, I'm 30 and single. I am like most of you. I find it really hard to tell people. I find it even harder for them to know that I am in pain or that I may be walking funny from it. Things like that. It helps to know that other people feel the same way.
Post #4136545
Top
JoyceS
Posted Wednesday, December 29, 2004 7:54 AM


 

Group: Forum Members
Last Login: Thursday, July 31, 2008 12:45 PM
Posts: 8, Visits: 0
I'm 48 and was divorced three years ago ... diagnosed with RA 9 months ago. Now it seems impossible that I will ever be involved in another relationship. I can't imagine who would want to get involved with me now. This RA is only going to get worse. I'm not really looking at the moment, since I have two daughters at home who keep me occupied, but when they are grown and gone ... anyway, right now just looking for some friends who can understand. Joyce
Post #4136546
Top
BillRAand40
Posted Monday, January 17, 2005 6:27 PM


 

Group: Forum Members
Last Login: Thursday, July 31, 2008 12:46 PM
Posts: 1, Visits: 0
I too am single with R.A. at 40 having been diagnosed 4 years ago, most of my issues are in my knees, Its just plain hard to find someone that can understand that sometimes I just hurt.
Post #4136547
Top
Gerri2005RA
Posted Wednesday, January 19, 2005 8:02 PM


 

Group: Forum Members
Last Login: Thursday, July 31, 2008 12:46 PM
Posts: 1, Visits: 0
Bill I am signgle too. My mother has RA. My 44th birthday is next week. Now they think I have RA. My mother is 60 and she has it in her neck. I can't move my right index finger. I am afraid and I have no answers. I did not date much before. Now I am afraid that I will be alone this rest of my life.
Post #4136548
Top
ChrisNez
Posted Sunday, January 23, 2005 8:27 PM


 

Group: Forum Members
Last Login: Thursday, July 31, 2008 12:46 PM
Posts: 7, Visits: 0
I'm 36 and single with JRA. I can't hide my arthritis, it shows itself mostly in my hands, but it's in my entire body. I think it scares people off. I haven't dated since college. I go to a church-run Singles Camp every year & meet some nice people, but so far there's been no dates. They ask a lot of questions, so I think that they try to learn & understand my arthritis but it never turns into a relationship. I just try to have as much fun as I can & see if they can keep up. Even though my feet hurt last year I had the attitude of try anything, so they called me fearless and it started lots of conversations, and that was fun. I would love to connect with other people who have arthritis in a support group too.
Post #4136549
Top
JABS
Posted Monday, January 31, 2005 6:06 PM


 

Group: Forum Members
Last Login: Thursday, July 31, 2008 12:42 PM
Posts: 2, Visits: 0
I am 32 with RA. I have had it since I was 27. I am a 5th grade teacher. I love teaching, however it is hard to meet potential dates, because I feel that as soon as they find out I have RA they run for the hills. Aren't there any nice, single men out there who would want to give me a try? I have been in chemical remission since November of 2003. Thanks to Enbrel! Isn't there some kind of support group for people both men and women who are single between the ages of 32 and 38? I just want to find out !
Post #4136550
Top
erickaumbarger
Posted Wednesday, February 02, 2005 4:42 PM


 

Group: Forum Members
Last Login: Thursday, July 31, 2008 12:24 PM
Posts: 27, Visits: 0
I am by far no dating expert, especially at the ripe old age of 24!! I just wanted to share a couple of the mixed reactions I have gotten when telling people about my arthritis. Many of the people I have dated are people I knew on a friendly level starting out, so it wasnt a big deal to some people. About a year ago, however, I went on a blind date to where we took my dog to the river and were walking around the rocks and having a good time. In the car on the way back to my house, I briefly shared my experiences with arthritis (had it since 13, in every joint except back, 9 surgeries on my hands, with definite deformities on them). I wanted to tell him after our trip to the river because I wanted him to see that I didnt let it stop me from doing a lot of what I wanted to do. But I also wanted to let him in the beginning because I am very active within the Arthritis Foundation community and wanted to share that part of my life. He was a big shot lawyer who went to Harvard and his response was "Well, it wouldnt be good for my image and reputation to date a girl like you who has messed up hands." It really really steamed me for a while. But then I realized that some people are like that and it really is his loss. Sadly, he was 30 years old and I thought that dating a guy who was slightly older than me would be good because he would be more understanding.

I am now dating a guy who is a year younger than me. I also told him on our first date, back on August, about my arthritis, just because it is such an important issue to me and I want to help raise awareness, but I was more nonchalant about it and didnt really share any details. He tried to ask questions but I blew them off because I didnt want to scare him. I spoke about it a bunch in general terms but never gave him the chance to ask a lot of questions. We spoke of it a little more in October when we were still casually dating but again, I didnt want to scare him. Two weekends ago we were visiting with my family and he brought it up and said he had done some research back in October because he wanted to know more about how it affected me, and therefore how it would affect us. He went to this website and read some stories and did research and even donated money to the AF. All without telling me. He didnt do it to impress me or win me over . . he did it because he wanted to know what he could do to help me. For Christmas he got me an electric blanket for my bed because he read on here that mornings are rough for us and you can set a timer on the blanket and it can help warm you up right before you wake up. This is all coming from a very healthy, very attractive 23 year old male who never knew anyone who had arthritis before me.

I have had some sucky experiences that have made me want to swear off men and become a nun, but I have always clung to the belief that there is someone out there willing to look past the scars and deformities and see the inner beauty in all of us. Maybe this guy will be the one for me, maybe he wont. But he has definitely restored my faith in people's ability to see good in other people . . .

And as a last note . . several of my friends with a wide variety of disabilities have tried online dating with a large amount of success. It could be worth a shot???
Post #4136551
Top
Keli in Florida
Posted Thursday, February 03, 2005 9:23 PM


 

Group: Forum Members
Last Login: Wednesday, November 11, 2009 3:06 AM
Posts: 480, Visits: 234
Isn't funny how you get the two oppisite reactions. My current boyfriend of almost five months. He is from Malaysia and I guess it's the difference in our cultures. He is in the U.S Navy. Anyway, I told him up front as well. His reaction was can I catch it? lol! I just told him no, and explained it a little, and he was fine with it. I have psoraitic arthritis and he didn't know what it was as many people don't. Talk about things that make you go hmm! If anyone ever wants to talk feel free to email me at krhoden78@yahoo.com
Post #4136552
Top
« Prev Topic | Next Topic »

46 posts, Page 1 of 3
123»»»

All times are GMT -5:00, Time now is 4:48pm


Execution: 0.702. 123 queries. Compression Disabled.
[  HOME |  MyPROFILE |  MyNEWS |  COMMUNITY |  RA CONNECT |  GROUPS |  FORUMS |  TAGS |  PHOTO GALLERY |  EVENTS |  INVITE |  FIND OTHERS  ]
© 2008 Arthritis Foundation.