Helping S.O.'s understand and cope with RA

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SupaGimp

Posted Wednesday, March 09, 2005 2:07 AM

Group: Forum Members
Last Login: Thursday, July 31, 2008 12:48 PM
Posts: 8, Visits: 0

I was diagnosed with JRA at 16, after years of treatment for what my doctor called "regular arthritis" aka osteo-arthritis. When I was diagnosed, I had been dating a guy in my school; at first he was very supportive, but as my bad days grew more frequent and the good ones scarce, he drifted away. I was confused, hurt and angry; to me, it had seemed as if he had just abandoned me in the middle of a life crisis. It wasn't until a year later when I met a man who had never imagined that an 18 year old girl would have any need for a cane that I realised there is a definate wrong way and right way of helping a signifigant other learn about and cope with your RA.

The first mistake that I realised I had been making was not fully explaining the limitations I live with. It's kind of like false advertising to talk about the things you used to be able to do without mentioning those that you can no longer do. For example, how's a person supposed to feel when they find out the hard way that you can't go skating with them because of your bad knee and ankle? My advice be upfront with a person once you feel that the relationship has potential.

Another bad move is being too proud and self-reliant. No one who cares about you is going to feel comfortable watching you painfully struggle with a task that you could easily handle with a little bit of their help. Trust me it was embarrassing the first time I had to ask my fiancee to help me brush my hair and dress myself, but it made him feel like he was easing my pain and showing how supportive he could be.

Finally, the biggest mistake that can doom a relationship like this: not understanding their point of view. It took a few hard lessons before I understood how hard it is for someone who doesn't live with RA to understand how it cann affect a person. Maybe your S.O. playfully grabs you affected limb and hurts you, or maybe they tend to bring home every topical pain reliever that they come across even thought it doesn't help. Instead of blowing up, sit them down and explain how you feel about what they're doing. Heck, it wasn't until a year into my relationship with my fiancee that I realised that I had never explained to him how I felt about others picking up my cane and playing with it; I had fell into the habit of just snatching it from him. Remember, how can they understand our problem if we don't teach them?

If anyone feels like they would like to talk on a more personal level, they can e-mail me at cheesyrichard@yahoo.com. I haven't met anyone locally who have been living with RA and who are under the age of 50.

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Kim47

Posted Wednesday, June 01, 2005 11:02 PM

Group: Forum Members
Last Login: Thursday, July 31, 2008 12:49 PM
Posts: 21, Visits: 0

I have to agree with you...Sorry I've been away from the boards for awhile...but I have met THE one! We actually met on the personals. I was completely up front about my RA, and since he was a paramedic he understood the disease. And guess what? After making him think long and hard about how my RA affects not only me but HIM as well, his reply was well...so you have RA...I've been shot...who cares? It made NO difference to him. I explained that I needed a jar opener, spider killer, fly swatter, and someone to help me thru my bad flare ups. He said that was fine, we all have our own personal issues. And when he saw my hands for the first time, he simply took 1 in his and gently rubbed it. He said he was making my RA his own. I know I'm gushing here, but it just feels so darned good LOL

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