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Cindy Smith
Posted Saturday, October 31, 2009 4:42 PM


 

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I haven't written anything for a while but always lurk. I know this is always a safe place to tell the truth about what ever the challenge is. This past week has been so hard. My parents are both in their 70's and have not had serious health problems so this is all new to me. We were all expecting to hear that my dad had prostate cancer on Tuesday. We were not at all prepared for the news that it is stage 4. This seems so crazy because they have been monitoring this for years. Tests last may all were clear and the doc said that they may not have even seen the cancer if the tests were done as little as a month ago because his case is one of the most fast growing he has ever seen. I've spent allot of time with my parents since Tuesday & Friday dad had an out patient procedure for the hormone treatment they are trying to stop further spread.Since it has already spread outside of the prostate, we will all have to pray if it does stop the growth it is in time. Haven't cried in front of my parents as want to be strong and supportive, but I lost it at work (of all places) and had a really big cry. Really big, I mean I made other people cry big. It was a needed release and I feel calmer now, but need to be a little more smarter about allowing for those in private so it doesn't build up and then happen at the wrong place/time all the time.

My parents have many friends from church who will be very helpful. They have been calling and stopping in to pray with my dad all week, wanting to bring meals for them etc. I have a brother close by who is not very involved that will not be any help and another brother out of state who is great. I want to be sure I do everything I can to help both my dad & mom as we navigate this. It is so hard to see your parents cry. I really have a reaction like someone has punched me in the stomach. To listen to them discuss things dealing with my father not being with us anymore, is so tough. As tough as it is for me, I know it has to be so much more for them. How do I help them.

I guess what I'm hoping to get from this post is suggestions on how you have found ways to be supportive of your family members who are facing an illness that may very well take their life and their primary care giver. There are probably allot of things people don't automatically think about that you needed, that you did or wished someone would have done for you and your family.

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Bekah M
Posted Saturday, October 31, 2009 5:09 PM


 

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Cindy, first off, let me say how sorry I am to hear such news for your family. But, i also want to share something that was nothing short of a miracle in the case of my Mother-in-law. Two years ago she was diagnosed with stage 4 Uterine cancer in which she had two seperate tumors, two seperate kinds of cancer in each, and it had spread to her lungs. My husband was out of state and we were told to get him back ASAP because she would not be making it too much longer. He came in and we all followed her ambulance to Houston to Methodist Hospital. They gave her very little hope. She had heard of the Cancer Treatment Center of America in Tulsa Oklahoma and enlisted the aid of a naturopath at home that would work with CTCA for her diet and supplementation. Within three months at CTCA she was in full remission and has been ever since...There is HOPE!

I am leaving you the link for them..We really have a walking miracle..

http://www.cancercenter.com/


Plaquenil 600mg., Metoprolol 200mg.,, Hydrocodone 10/500, Elavil 100mg, Lisinopril 20mg,Ativan, Omega Complex, Milk Thistle
Primary Lupus and SecondaryRA, Fibromyalgia/CFS, Raynauds, Sjogrens...
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Liz M
Posted Saturday, October 31, 2009 6:29 PM


 

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Oh, Cindy! I'm so sorry! I will be praying for you and your family!

Liz
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Gramma
Posted Saturday, October 31, 2009 7:04 PM


 

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Dear Cindy,

What a terrible shock that must have been for you and your whole family.

I'll keep you in my prayers that the treatment will stop the spread. You have a difficult job trying to be brave and confident in front of your parents. No wonder that your tears break out later. Try to take it one day at a time. Medicine today is amazing, and new treatments are coming along every hour, it seems.

Hugs,
Gramma Ellie
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Pam3
Posted Saturday, October 31, 2009 10:43 PM


 

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Cindy,

I'm so sorry about this news and will keep you and your family in my prayers. I have been through this now with the final illnesses of my father-in-law, my mother-in-law, my father and my stepdad. I have also experienced cancer that nearly took my life. Of the many lessons I've learned in the process, three stand out.

First, be willing to listen, even when the conversation is difficult to hear. It is wonderful to hold onto hope, and I'm not discounting the importance of hope and faith. At the same time, it is a true gift to allow someone to discuss their very real fears, sadness and other emotions. So often, as family members, we want to encourage optimism at all cost. Sometimes we do this because we can't bear to face the possibility of losing someone we love. In forcing someone to hide their concerns and suppress their feelings, we're losing them while they're still alive. Accept your dad in whatever he's feeling, and be willing to share those feelings along with the hope.

Second, pull together as a family and support one another. Often, the extreme stress of this situation can trigger other family issues and conflicts. Recognizing this and working to either resolve those issues or keep them in perspective will be really important. The love and support you share can fuel healing, no matter what happens with the cancer.

Third, be sure to take care of yourself. It will be much easier to take part in supportive relationships and be present for your parents if you are as rested and healthy as possible. Be sure to take care of your physical needs: get enough rest, continue your meds and be good to yourself. Also, be sure to attend to your emotion needs. Have people with whom you can confide, vent, cry, or just take breaks from the realities of life. If necessary, be open to professional help. There is no shame in finding a qualified and professional counselor to support you through the process. Take care of yourself, and you'll have more to share with the people you love.

I say all of this not to discourage hope. Faith and hope are amazing and wonderful. Hold onto them as the treasures they are. At the same time, stay open to honesty, support and care. These are gifts as well, and they will serve you well in this season of uncertainty.

Take Care,
Pam
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Chris Braile
Posted Saturday, October 31, 2009 11:02 PM


 

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I am so sorry Cindy. I think Pam had the most eloquent, well-written advice anyone could give. (((hugs)))

SAHM/homeschooler Diagnosed 2009 with RA
Diet (no nightshades/gluten), supplements (fish oil, cal/mag, Vit D, Vit C), Chinese herbal medicine (3rd Coast Herb Company), acupuncture, yoga
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Grandpavan
Posted Sunday, November 01, 2009 1:32 AM


 

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My prayers are on the way also. I also can't add to Pam's post and I agree with it fully. God bless.

Age 82, diagnosed RA 12/2001, married since 1952, 4 sons no daughters, 4 grandsons 1 granddaughter.  Doing well on Methotrexate and Remicade.
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Bodak
Posted Sunday, November 01, 2009 2:44 AM


 

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I cannot add much more than what has been said and especially the words of Pam.
We have been through a difficult year ourselves with the passing of my father in law and mother in law after long illness.

In our case watching someone you love slowly disappear before your eyes can (and did) take a heavy toll on one,
both emotionally and physically.

If you feel you need a little break then do not feel guilty about taking that little time for yourself.
You will not be of help if you yourself break down.

One of the little things that I think gave comfort to my mother in law in the last few weeks of dementia
related decline was just the holding of the hand and gentle stroking of the head.

Keep you spirits up.................

----------------------------------------
Peace be with you always.
Stephen

Severe RA since October 06
Web Site - Photography
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Cindy Smith
Posted Sunday, November 01, 2009 6:44 AM


 

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Thank you all. Pam, you are so right about be willing to listen.That is great advise. I've spent larger blocks of time with my parents and have found that some of the conversations we need to have are happening more organically vs anyone forcing them. Bekah, thanks for that link. I'm going to spend time with that today and share with my mom & brother as well.

My brother in Washinton will be coming for a visit in early December now unless we feel he needs to move it up. I've made sure my other brother is being kept up to date and have opened the door to him. I've decided to keep handling it this way with him to keep giving him the opportunity to engage . I really think he can't handle these things so just avoids or denies them, but I want to help make sure if our worst fears are correct that he has no regrets about what he did or didn't do.

I am feeling more hopeful now and think both of my parents are as well the last few days. We will all be praying that the tests they do in 90 days show the treatment is working.
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aussiemom
Posted Sunday, November 01, 2009 10:06 AM


 

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Hi Cindy,

My heart aches for you. My Dad passed away earlier this year, 9 months after being diagnosed with an aggressive form of bowel cancer. I know the fear and heart break of even thinking about losing your Daddy.

I don't really hanve any further advice, I think Pams great words of wisdom will benefit your whole family, but I will relay one little story of my last conversation with my darling daddy.

At this stage the doctors had put him in an induced coma, it was too much for him to bear at the end. I was alone with Dad and I just started talking to him about our life, different little memories I had from my childhood, my debut, my wedding, the kids being born and so on. I told him what an awesome Dad he had been to me and how much I was going to miss him and I looked at him (through all my tears) to see tears rolling down his face. My Daddy was in a coma and he was crying with me. I leant over and gave him a kiss and whispered in his ear, "Dont cry Daddy, we'll be ok. You can go if you need to". He died 8 hours later. At the time of our conversation I was distraught at my dad, my big strong hero crying but looking back now it is a treasured memory, he didn't want to leave but he had been called home. My only advice, and not just to people facing your journey, is treasure every day, be grateful for the little things and don't hold onto regrets.

You do need to cry, yell, scream, whatever it is that will help you, this is your journey as well, and the pain is very real.

Take care sweety, keep us updated.

Love and prayers, Mandy
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Great Granny
Posted Sunday, November 01, 2009 7:15 PM


 

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Cindy,

I have no suggestions to add to Pam's. I just want you to know that you and your family are in my prayers.
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LEFTY IN LA
Posted Sunday, November 01, 2009 11:24 PM


 

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Yes, as Pam has stated take care and don't give up. Keep the faith! It works. I'm so sorry your dad is going through this and for your mom as well, but please don't give up. Prayers for your dad, mom, you and your family.

God Bless all my RA Friends!

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Polly Sue
Posted Monday, November 02, 2009 10:43 AM


 

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I lost my Dad a year ago and cannot find the words to describe it. I will pray for you and your family.

I do want you to know that by some miracle my astranged brothers and sisters were able to come together when it was most needed and we had some joyous time before he passed.

Gos's blessings and my hugs,

Susan (pollysue)
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