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Ladybugz

Posted Thursday, November 12, 2009 7:43 PM

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Hey ya'll,

Tony and I were discussing the holidays this evening. My mom had called and we were kind of planning on what to do for Thanksgiving..who's house it will be at, what food to cook/bring. Christmas came up as well. Mom and Dad won't be traveling anywhere for Christmas because my Dad is having surgery the week before. So I figured that we would all travel to their house for Christmas. Then Tony comes home and I tell him all of this. Well he asked me why couldn't we have a holiday to spend at home, just me and him. No one here, no traveling to anyone's house, just me and him. I was surprised, but not completely. He's sort of a bah-humbug at holiday time anyway.

I think I know why he is wanting this. For one, we really cannot afford to buy gifts this year, as i'm sure other people can't either. So he doesn't want to go there with others giving us gifts, and we have nothing for anyone. I agree. But then gifts are not the reason for Christmas anyway. Second, there is a lot going on right now with his job. A lot of uncertainty as to what the first of the year holds. Rumor has it that a company will buy out his employer, which would be great from what I've learned. If that doesn't happen, we don't know if the company will stay in business or shut down, which of course would mean no job.

So I think all of this is affecting him and it doe affect me too, we are both worried about what is happening. Throughout the year, the company has given paycuts to employees, 5% at a time, they have done this a total of 3 times now. We are starting to really feel that 15% paycut.

Tony knows that I am upset about what he wants to do. On one hand I feel it's a little bit selfish. I told him it would be fine, but i'm not going to sit alone on the couch while he spends all his time on the computer. He loves his computer, lol. Then he got a little upset and said we would just keep things as planned this year.

So now, i'm trying to figure out how exactly I would tell my family that we are opting out of Christmas all together. One thing he has talked about is spending Thanksgiving one year with his family (the kids), and Christmas with mine, then switch the next year. It seems to me, that this is all a lose lose situation. Someone, no matter what we do is going to be upset. As for Christmas, if we decided not to spend anytime at all with my family, I know it would not go over well at all. I have no idea of how I would explain this to my family, what I would say. I don't want to put it all on Tony, and make him seem like he doesn't want to be around them, because that is not what it is.

So I wanted to get some opinions and suggestions here. I know you can't make everyone happy all the time.

HELP!!!

Brenda

Post #4262034

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FireRox21

Posted Thursday, November 12, 2009 9:08 PM

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I understand your plight. IMO, I would be open and honest with your family (both sides); honest in the fact that things are very tight this year and you just cannot afford to travel or spend. I am sure your family will understand. Money is very tight for everyone now and food/gifts are just too expensive.

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Bodak

Posted Thursday, November 12, 2009 10:48 PM

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Last Login: Thursday, February 25, 2010 12:46 AM
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One of the best Christmas times I have spent over the last ten years has been in that place called Bush.
I'd had enough of the family squabbles, the son that drinks to much and knows everything, the gossip, the lot.

All I had to worry about was preparing the fire for the bush oven roast, the cooking over a slow heat the roast to perfection.
The roast turned out perfect (a little to my surprise), a bottle of wine, a good nap.
That was one of the best dinners I can remember since the kids were young.

As for how we approached the matter with family, well we just said that we will not be around that year and explained that we were having it with just the two of us. That was the end of story..
I really enjoyed just having Julie with me without all the hassles.

----------------------------------------
Peace be with you always.
Stephen

Severe RA since October 06
Web Site - Photography

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Chrissie

Posted Thursday, November 12, 2009 11:14 PM

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I think you need to remember one very important fact in all of this: While Christmas is for family, when you got married, your husband became one of the most important members of your family. That means Christmas is about him, too. Not just you. You're telling him he's being selfish... but, are YOU being selfish at all in this at all?

I think it was brave of him to talk to you about his needs. If he's being bah-humbug, that's one thing... but it does seem like he's got a lot on his shoulders. Would it be seriously emotionally best for him for you to suck it up and stay home?

And the fact that you never get to go see his family for the holidays is a little baffling to me.... I can definitely see why he would want to trade holidays then. To me, that's only fair for you to consider. My husbands family would have sh*t a brick by now if we hadn't spent as many holidays with them. He's their son.

I don't really know what the right answer is going to be for you, but I do think you should take everyone's needs into consideration, and then make a decision and not let anyone else guilt-trip you or sway you from that decision.

And I'm sure you'll find a good solution. Honestly, I'd looove a few holidays alone from all of the family, but we have our own solution we've found over the years (we said: NO more traveling. We are having Christmas at our house, and EVERYONE is invited. Come or don't come, I don't care... but don't complain to me later... you WERE invited). In our family, the first two Christmases were a little tense, but now everyone comes to our house (no questions asked), my husband cooks the big dinner, I decorate, and we have a great time Smile

I know that's not feasible for you this year, I'm just saying it's the principle of the matter, where we came to an agreement on our own and said "here's your one option." Wink

If you do decide to stay home, and your biggest concern is that he'll sit on the computer all night, then I say make a special point to plan around that. Don't attack him for it: That's not fair to him, if that's one of his hobbies. Instead, say something like: "If we stay home, I would love to do all of the Christmasy things together... like maybe we can cook dinner together, and then watch a bunch of cheesy Christmas movies all night." (or, he can play on the computer while you cook, and then you eat together on a decorated table with a poinsettia centerpiece... what have you). Whatever means Christmas to you, is what you should do. That way a good chunk of your day is planned out "together." Make sense?

Good luck - let us know what you decide Smile

_________________________________________

29 y/o - Diagnosed: April, 2009.
MTX (15 mg/wk), Enbrel 50 mg/mL autoinjector, Naprelan (500mg), Prometrium (200mg), Supplementing Folic Acid and Vit D

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starshine

Posted Thursday, November 12, 2009 11:20 PM

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I feel that the holidays are a time to spend with family and close friends regardless of ability to pay for gifts. I usually have Christmas eve at my house and I get a gift for everyone who comes so that everyone has at least one gift to open. The guests are free to get some one a gift if they want to but shouldn't feel obligated. One family that comes is a young family with 2 young children and they don't bring gifts because they spend the money on their kids, which I totally understand. Sometimes I make gifts. I may do that this year. During the summer, I press flowers from my garden which I use to make pictures that can be framed. It makes a very inexpensive but beautiful gift. I also make dried and fake flower arrangements. One time when we were broke, I drew a pen and ink picture of my husband on his dirt bike that he used to race. I had it framed and it was a very special gift for him that he still has hanging on the office room wall. I have made ornaments also.

If you enjoy the holidays and would be sad and depressed to spend it without the family, I would let your husband know that and see what you could work out.

I hope whatever you do, you have a wonderful holiday season. ss

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Grandpavan

Posted Friday, November 13, 2009 12:36 AM

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My wife and I spend most holidays with just the two of us and it works out quite well. Sometimes one or more of our boys and their family will come for a while during the holiday season but we don't make any big deal about it. I agree that gift giving is not the important thing about Christmas, at least when you get to be an adult. We still like to send things to our smaller grandkids whether they are here or not. Even there it is the thought that counts and not the value of the gift. God bless.

Age 82, diagnosed RA 12/2001, married since 1952, 4 sons no daughters, 4 grandsons 1 granddaughter. Doing well on Methotrexate and Remicade.

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Ladybugz

Posted Friday, November 13, 2009 7:24 AM

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I want to thank each of you for your honest thoughts and opinions here.
First I want to clarify something, I did not at anytime tell Tony that he is being selfish. It was just a thought that I had. As for spending any time with his family, the only family he has to spend time with is his son. He has twin sons, and a daughter also, who has a daughter herself. His daughter has chosen not to be in his life, as well as one of the twins, so that leaves the other twin, who would do anything for his Dad. One of his brothers, who lives across town from us, is an alcoholic, who prefers to be left alone, his other brother who lives less than 3 miles from us, who used to visit quite often, has stopped visiting or even calling. We have tried calling him, but are not able to get in touch with him. He has a sister who lives in Florida, and one who just passed away in August, who was in Florida as well. I truly believe part of the issue is that his baby sister, whom he was close to, has passed away now. And I think that is affecting him more than he is letting on. I'm sure with that he doesn't feel like celebrating, although he has not mentioned that to be part of the issue, I have no doubt that is part of it, along with all else he has on his shoulders. I was awake most of the night thinking of all of this. I too hate the hassle and frustration of the holidays. It's always a very stressful time for everyone, trying to make everyone happy and it never works out that way.
Honestly, the more I think about staying home for Christmas the better it sounds. I had tried to work things where we could spend Christmas Eve with his son, and the the day after Christmas perhaps visit my family, and Christmas Day would be for just Tony and I, but he didn't even like that idea. That is where i'm frustrated, I tried to work this out, but it isn't working. I thought the day after would be good, but he doesn't want that either. I will find a way for us to "opt" out of Christmas, if that is truly what he wants.
Tony is the most important person in my life, and of course what he wants to do matters to me. I don't know what I would say to my family, Mom and Dad especially to let them know that we are not visiting for Christmas. I know they will be very upset. Mom has already said that she and Dad will not make any plans to travel, since Dad is having surgery the week before Christmas. I understand that.
Thanks, Brenda

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WarmSocks

Posted Friday, November 13, 2009 9:16 AM

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Hi, Brenda:
I know one family who works in a soup kitchen, serving meals to the homeless on Thanksgiving and Christmas. This family doesn't have a lot, but they feel that serving people who have even less helps them maintain their perspective.

We do a combination of what others have mentioned: Thanksgiving with one family, Christmas with the other, then swap holidays the next year. For one side, we invite everyone to our house; for the other side, we travel. It sounds like you don't think that arrangement would be quite fair in your particular situation. And it sorta makes sense that seeing just his son doesn't quite seem like a big family get-together. Would inviting his son to go along with the two of you to your parents house be a reasonable compromise?

As for gifts, we don't exchange gifts. We give gifts because we want to, not because we'll get something in return. It has no relationship to whether or not we're getting together; over Thanksgiving weekend, we slip packages to people who we won't see at Christmas and they put them under their tree when it goes up. On both sides of our family, we've had people say, "Money's tight; we won't be buying gifts this year." There's no reason to feel bad about that. Be up-front with everyone well in advance.

Your dad might not even be up to having visitors for Christmas. If you can't go for Christmas, then call or visit (depending on how far away they are). My dad passed away nearly seven years ago. I got to see him at Thanksgiving; he felt crummy and wanted to stay home, but my mom made him come. I wish I could have one more Christmas with him. See the people you love while you still have the opportunity.

Best of luck figuring out a solution that works for everyone.

+WarmSocks
______________________________________________________
Aiming for NED
...Plaquenil (hcq), Azulfidine (ssz), Methotrexate (mtx), Enbrel, Folic Acid, Feldene, Prilosec,Verapamil, Maxalt, vitamins

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Gramma Ellie

Posted Friday, November 13, 2009 9:34 AM

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Hi Brenda,

You have a dilemma. I remember those days all too well. No matter what you decide, you'll always second-guess yourself, and wonder if you did the right thing.

As our children grew up and moved away, we had them here, or we went there, until we finally decided to be the stay-at-homes. And they decided to stay at home, too. Smile

All of my children have developed their own holiday traditions with family and friends. No one has to travel during the crazy holiday times, and more effort is put into celebrating with each other. They still occasionally come to visit during the holiday week. After all, we DO live near the beach in Florida!

We call, send small gifts, photos, and email and vicariously enjoy each other's holidays. It works for us.

I hope you and Tony will have a joyous Christmas, regardless of where you are. One year, we saved enough Disney points to spend Christmas Eve at one of the best hotels at Disney World. It was so much fun! Another time we went camping, and gazed at the stars on Christmas Eve. A surprising number of people had the same idea, and the park was full with families singing Christmas carols around their campfires. And one year, we splurged on a wonderful Christmas Brunch.

Now we have a permanent guest list for the holiday, with my SIL (who has Alzheimer's) and my husband's elderly brother and his wife. We make it as cheery as possible for our little senior group, but sometimes miss being able to get away by ourselves.

Whatever you decide, make sure that you put yourself and your husband first. Your family will understand.

Hugs,
Gramma Ellie

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Bekah M

Posted Friday, November 13, 2009 2:18 PM

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Brenda,

Sweetie my heart goes out to you with this situation. I lost my baby on Christmas Day and a niece on Christmas day so it's been tough to enjoy the day for my whole family. The most important thing to remember is the "FIRST" Christmas a passed loved one misses is the hardest for the people who are still probably grieving. Let Tony decide this year and make sure that your family understands that this will be a very difficult time for him this time around. Maybe that will disarm any hurt feelings.

We gave my brother and his wife the first Christmas after my niece passed away, to themselves and they totally appreciated it helped with no hurt feelings. We all understood..I'm just suggesting that it may be the best way to enter into the discussion about time alone together this year..Don't you think your folks would understand? If not, then I'm not sure what you could do other than just let God have it.

Sorry you have to go through this..the Holidays are not my favorite time of the year like they should be but I just live and let live and let everyone else make all the plans...

I will be praying for you sis!
HUGS
BEKAH

Plaquenil 600mg., Metoprolol 200mg.,, Hydrocodone 10/650, Elavil 100mg, Lisinopril 20mg, Omega Complex, Milk Thistle
Primary Lupus and SecondaryRA, Fibromyalgia/CFS, Raynauds, Sjogrens...

Post #4262497

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Seabee Mom

Posted Saturday, November 14, 2009 11:29 AM

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I completely understand the money factor and the holidays. Our household - me, hubby and two boys - have always been "broken" as the boys called it when they were younger. We always made Christmas the best memory possible. Looking back when they were young they were happy and now as adults they have good memories. Wish really means more than how much was spent or not.

Now as my parents are older and don't travel to the houses like they used to we - my sibs - have decided that we each have Christmas within our own houses - they all live about 3 hours away - I live with 2 miles from our parents - then the Saturday after Christmas we all converge on Gram and Gramps house. This makes life a bit less stressful for all but still gets us all together for the holiday. We pick a theme for the meal. Last year was chili. Everyone brought pot luck and we had a great time. As far as the gifts. You have to understand that I have 2 other sibs left - my brother passed away a few years ago. They are what I call the super money makers of the world or the complete opposite of my bank balance HA HA. I just HATED the holiday and alway felt that I had to compete with the gifts. Just plain couldn't then and even more so now. Well I sent out an email and suggested that we try something new how about a white elephant gift exchange? They all that was great. So we set a limit of $5 per person. We have been doing that for a bit now and really it adds fun to the day and we can always find something at a thrift store or even in our back closets that fit the event.

Just a thought. Just always remember that the reason for the season is really what it is all about and no matter how much you spend or don't spend it isn't worth all the stress of doing or not doing.

Blessings to all!

Dx RA Nov 2008 Dx Type 2 Oct 2008
Current Meds: Metformin, Prandin, Celebrex, Methotrexate, Folic Acid, Plaquenil, Lisinopril, and just added....... Nuvigil (to keep me awake so that I can remember to take all of my other pills!)

Post #4262924

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Pam3

Posted Saturday, November 14, 2009 12:07 PM

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I understand how difficult this can be. The holidays aren't always filled completely with joy. When you're feeling down, it can be difficult to plan a large event, even with family. At the same time, it's difficult to think about missing out on family traditions. I think some of the stress comes from comparing the reality of the situation with the ideal life and perfect holidays that so many other people seem to be living.

When I'm feeling down, it helps to stop comparing my situation with those with more, and instead focus on those less fortunate. You can always find people who need and appreciate help, not just during the holidays, but throughout the year. Spend some time and energy on helping others, and you'll find it easier to remember the true meaning of the season.

Take Care,
Pam

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

"The flower that blooms in adversity is the most rare and beautiful of all." From the Disney Film Mulan

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Geneva Poynter

Posted Saturday, November 14, 2009 12:09 PM

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WHEN OUR SON WAS LITTLE, WE ALWAYS WENT TO MY FOLKS AT CHRISTMAS WHERE IT WAS CELEBRATED, NOT WITH GIFTS, BUT BAKING, GOING TO CHURCH AND SOME KIND OF SPECIAL DINNER. THEN AS OUR PARENTS AND WE GREW OLDER, WE TOOK TURNS GOING TO MY PARENTS IN ANOTHER STATE AND STAYING HERE WHERE MY HUSBAND'S PARENTS WERE.

THEN, AS THEY GREW UNABLE TO HAVE ANYTHING AT THEIR HOME AND MY PARENTS HAD BOTH DIED, I BEGAN TO HAVE ALL MY HUSBAND'S FAMILY HERE FOR A CHRISTMAS MORNING BRUNCH. WE GAVE ONLY THE LITTLE ONES GIFTS AND DREW NAMES AMONG THE OLDER ONES.

WE DID THAT SO THAT WE COULD BE TOGETHER WITH OUR SON AND FAMILY FOR CHRISTMAS EVE. WHEN WE HAD CHRISTMAS BRUNCH AT OUR HOME, WE ALWAYS DISPLAYED THINGS THAT WOULD DRAW ATTENTION TO THE FACT THAT THIS IS OUR CELEBRATION OF CHRIST'S BIRTHDAY.

LAST YEAR, BECAUSE OF MY HUSBAND'S HEALTH, WE SPENT CHRISTMAS AT HOME, JUST THE TWO OF US. IT WAS NOT A SAD TIME, BUT ONE OF QUIETNESS. OUR SON AND FAMILY STOPPED BY FOR JUST A FEW MINUTES ON THEIR WAY TO HER BROTHER'S HOME ON CHRISTMAS EVE. WE DON'T REMEMBER ANY OF THESE TIMES AS BAD OR SOMETHING WE WOULDN'T WANT TO DO AGAIN. I BELIEVE IT CAN BE WHAT YOU MAKE IT.

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Captex

Posted Sunday, November 15, 2009 3:44 PM

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Make yourself happy and do what feel in your heart is right. For years, we... that is to say, my entire family, celebrated en masse the holidays. We have a very large family and the money spent on cimmulatively on each other was ridiculous. Today, we celebrate the holidays by getting together with each other and breaking bread. Those that can make it, great, those that cannot, we'll hopefully see next year. It's all so much more subdued and much more meaningful. We exchange family gifts that we try to make ourselves. It's mostly snack foods that we all really love and look foward to share with each other.

A whole lot less stress, and in the end, much more appreciated.

Still, a day alone by the fireplace with just my wife and a cup of coffee sounds like a nice way to start the day. I love to cook and I've always have felt that cooking a great meal is an caring expression.

Happy Holidays!

God Bless,

captex

Supposed to start Remicade, For RA taking Arava, Prednisone and Bactrim, currently taking Atenenol, Albuterol, Aspirin, Glipizide, Lozol, Xanax, and trying to lose the 35+lbs that I gained recently from Prednisone. Diagnosed with RA in 1982. Fighting ILD. I'm dealing with my Diabetes and I've only begun to truely understand RA. Will be starting Cytoxan soon.

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