Posted by: Harry Shaffer on February 5, 2012 4:49PM EST Hello, I am an old man, 64 years old, however you are young and vital looking that you reminded me of my self years ago. I also noticed that you posted your picture at 4:27 AM. Around 4:00 A.M. is when I seem to wake up after about 3 hours sleep and finally your statement about facing the reality and humiliation... My reason for writing is I wanted to share somethings that worked for me when I was about your age. I was diagnosed with PsA when I was 37 years old. It started in the metatarsal area of my left foot. I had a very stressful job, a wholesale produce broker, and although I could wear a shoe or even a sock on my left foot I had to work at a very intense level for the entire summer. I hopped with no shoe from place to place, the condo I had rented in SC for one of the deals I was working had steps, I had to sit down and raise myself up one step at a time, I could come down by keeping the weight on my heels. I survived the summer, however I went from 185 lbs to 135 lbs, the stress on my body was almost literally killing me. However, as I worked seasonally when the summer was over I was able to rest as much as I needed and gradually I regained my strength and weight, the pain subsided and I was left with one crooked toe. I remained basically in remission for the next 10 years and then began an exercise program using Nautilus equipment under supervision, very light weight, emphasis on flexibility. I gradually began walking every day ended up walking 4 miles a day. I had a massage twice a week by a I guess you call a "new age" therapist. She gradually had my crippled toe nearly straight. At the high point I could play 18 holes of golf and walk and carry my own bag on the hottest day of the year and I was 49 years old. Then my wife left me after 5 years of marriage and I stopped all of my routine, I was incredibly depressed to the point of being suicidal. I experienced the mother of all flare ups and was bed ridden for 5 months. That was 1999 over the ensuing years I gave nearly all my money to my ex-wife voluntarily I loved her so completely I thought it would get her to come back, it didn't, I raise two teenage girls alone, brought by elderly mother to live with me as she had become to ill to care for herself, after 5 years she died in September of 2010. Through all those years I had great difficulty walking standing, you know the drill... I now am unable to work enough to make the money I need to pay my alimony, I am about to lose my house of 18 years because I borrowed all I could to care for my mother so she would not have to be in a nursing home. Whew! I am currently having a bad flare up swollen toe or toes on each foot, cannot wear socks, or shoes, really cannot walk or stand although I do a very slow imitation of it. The pain I can take, I take Advil as little as possible, the fatigue is ruining me. The point of this was not to just tell a perfect stranger a sad story with a hopeless ending. After all of this I think I know these things about arthritis. When I was younger I toughed it out and nearly burned out my immune system. Then the stress was reduced coupled with a healthy diet, gave up smoking, drinking and worked out and massage regularly and I was healthy again. Then the stress of the divorce, my mother, money, did I mention money:) overwhelmed me and now I am much older and have a much reduced ability to fight back. The point of all of this as it relates to you is the hell with the humiliation, the fear, the guilt, the fact that nobody really, really believes there is anything wrong with you. I think would urge you to back away from the doctors and the meds gradually, find a massage therapist I can send you the name of the lady I used and I am sure she can help find someone in your area. Find a really qualified trainer to work with you on flexibility. Eat a very strict diet, avoid red meat, booze, etc. I went to a physcial therapist, damn near killed me. A really good massage therapist is light years away from that... I think concern about what others think or think they think and a sense of moderate panic over this is getting worse and worse has got to get out the way and I actually think you can be well again. You are a beautiful, vital young lady with a sense of humor, not only is future so bright that you gotta wear shades but so does Trix:) I hope something in this rambling discourse helps you, I don't even know why I wrote you, just somehow what you wrote and way you looked reminded me of myself. Let yourself up, do what you can do as you can do it and accept the very slow small steps in the beginning rather than focus on what you cannot do and I believe you will get better. I wish you very best, Harry.